I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
