I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
