I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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