i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
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