I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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