You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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