im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
