He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
