That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
