Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Never underestimate the power of titties
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
