new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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