my mouth tastes like poor choices
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
