Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
