I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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