My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
