So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize