All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
