He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
