I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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