New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
how do flat chested girls get laid?
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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