I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
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