I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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