last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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