I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
