I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
