look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Randomize
