i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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