My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
