he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Randomize
