One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
