what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Randomize
