just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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