I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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