hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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