he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Randomize
