Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
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