my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
