my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
it's like heaven, but drunker
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
