If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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