this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
