20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
