I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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