Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
You need a sexual gate keeper
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
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