Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
