Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
