if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
