Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
