I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
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