I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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