do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
