I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
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