Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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