did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
