I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Randomize
