Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
